Saturday was hard, y’all. There was a stabbing on the train near my house, a murder-suicide in a nearby town, and an extra-judicial murder of a teenage boy by police officers in Missouri. I took Sunday off to decompress from my anxiety and sorrow, but I did get some writing done last night.
Yesterday’s prompts was: What are you hiding from? What are you protecting?
I wrote about my fear of being trapped. Here’s an excerpt:
I feel most uncomfortable with touch when I have the perception that I am trapped, or I might be unable to stop someone from hurting me. I mostly need to be in complete control of how others engage with my body, and will disengage if I start feeling the itchy, prickling sensation on the back of my neck that arises when I am unsure I can get away.
Avoiding touch is a way for me to make sure I am always able to move away from someone who might hurt me as soon as possible. I have been in situations where I felt like I couldn’t move away from someone without provoking violence, and ones where I was packed in among others during rush hour on the train, and ones where someone was over or on top of me. I have been trapped, and I fear being trapped again; controlling how and when I am touched is one way to minimise the chances of it happening again.
I might go back and add more, but I am going to continue on and work on the writing for today. (It’s supposed to get really hot today, so I’m going to spend as much time inside as possible, which means more time for writing.)
Today’s prompt is: If you could change one thing, what would it be? If you could change everything, would you?
How’s that for loaded? My first instinct is to say yes, but I think the real answer depends on what comes out in the writing…
Think of your biggest regret. If you could go back and change it, would you? If you did, would you be who you are today? Are you okay with the possibility you’d be a totally different person?
Previous posts here.
Tessara Dudley, Poet-Publisher-Educator-Activist 