Groundhog Day 2016 Resolutions: April Check-In

Since my last post, a term of school has ended and another has started. I’m mostly recovered from “the Glutening” (which I just realized I never made a post about here, so y’all still probably don’t have any idea what I’m talking about), but I’ve managed to have a bunch of other problems, so my health is definitely still an issue.

I’m still using Dave Seah’s GHDR Tracker Form, and I made a customized points rubric for my own use, which made it a lot easier to determine how much I’m getting done. Previously I was eyeballing the somewhat abstract (for my own purposes) rubric that Dave made and haphazardly assigning points to things, with almost no standardization from day to day. I’m having a slight problem with maxing out some of the points levels some days, so I may have to sit down and think more about it. Anyway, here’s the points for March (I apologize for the wall of text):

2016-03-07 02.25.16 HDR 2016-03-14 00.17.28 HDR 2016-03-21 12.38.52 HDR 2016-03-28 01.05.06 HDR 2016-04-04 01.09.01 HDR

Tracking my effort in this way has revealed some interesting things to me. Mainly, some of the days I feel the worst about my ability to get things done are the days with the highest points. I think this is probably because self care and self love are one of my goal areas, so the days I feel least productive, I am taking care of my body or mental health, but my guilt about taking time off to do so means that physical downtime is often used to do things on my computer that I’ve been putting off, such as respond to emails or make graphics in Photoshop or make lesson plans, and so on.

For example, the week of the 21st, I came down with a sinus infection on Monday (somewhat conveniently, as it was the start of my woefully short spring break), and felt miserable on Tuesday, but also managed to do some graphics work and promotion for the poetry workshops I’m running this month, and finish applications for various components of study abroad; my points for the day came out to 63. The week of the 28th was the first week of classes, and the first week I used my custom rubric (though the sheet still shows the old one). On Wednesday of that week, I found an Islamophobic poster on campus that really rattled me. I pulled it down, and then had a panic attack. Despite knowing I should stay home, I went back to campus in the morning, because I didn’t want to miss Spanish (still my worst class), and proceeded to have possibly the worst panic attack I’ve ever had — I spent two hours squeezed into a corner in the Queer Resource Center’s back office, crying and obsessively watching the office door, until a friend brought me a tranquilizer, and I was able to function more normally; I have 80 points for that Thursday, some of which are for taking care of myself and some of which are for getting other homework done and sending emails and talking to school staff about the poster. I’m not sure exactly what this means about me — and it’s important to note that last week I was unusually productive, because it was the first week of classes, so I had a lot to be doing — but I’m going to keep tracking things and adjust my rubric as needed. If nothing else, tracking what I’m doing has helped me be more compassionate to myself in some ways, which is totally worth it.

 

Anyway, this month’s resolution review is below the cut:

Continue reading “Groundhog Day 2016 Resolutions: April Check-In”

Groundhog Day 2016 Resolutions: March Check-In

Wow, I almost forgot to post a review for this month! But here it is: my first GHDR review post.

School has been a bit of a challenge, and my health is dodgy — I’m still recovering, clearly, and struggling with the after effects of the Gluten Incident, as I’ve been calling it. (Did I make a post about that here? I’ll do that; some of y’all probably don’t know what I’m even talking about…) My professors have been pretty great about it, but I’ve been feeling exhausted and depressed. Still, I’ve managed to get a lot done, even if I still need to do other things.

I’ve also been using Dave Seah’s GHDR Tracker Form, which has been pretty useful, and has helped me realize I am getting things done, even when I don’t feel like it. Here’s the ones I completed for February:

2016-02-22 17.33.47 HDR 2016-02-29 23.17.01 HDR

(This month’s resolution review below the cut:)

Continue reading “Groundhog Day 2016 Resolutions: March Check-In”

Groundhog Day Resolutions 2016

For a second year, I’m following Dave Seah and creating Groundhog Day Resolutions. Even though I posted late a lot last year, having the resolutions and the posting schedule as a guide helped me keep my priorities at the top of my mind, and trim away the things that didn’t serve me. (You can see all of 2015’s posts here.)

This year’s looking to be one of growth and exciting opportunities. Also, the terror of being an adult — if all goes according to plan, I’ll be graduating from PSU with my first bachelor’s degree, and I’ll have gone into a not insignificant amount of debt to do it. (Ah, capitalism…) Unless I can get grants and scholarships, grad school will require more loans and possibly also a job, which is scary to consider here in the middle of 17 credits.

I think I tend to forget how much I do, actually — I’ve been stressed out about working, and getting down on myself because I know other students work and go to school full time, so why can’t I? But when I actually think about it, a) I’m disabled, and that impacts how much I can take on, and b) I actually am working and going to school at the same time. Alas, it doesn’t pay much, but I’m taking 17 credits, running my small press, writing essays and articles occasionally, and dedicating several hours each week to Black Lives Matter Portland business. On top of that, I do a lot of emotional labor in terms of community support, and unpaid education around social justice issues and language.

So, here are my resolutions for the year:

  1. Build up my small press: I am moving this up from a subgoal to its own goal this year. I’m going to focus away from writing for publication, and instead work on my press. MGP has been  pushed to the side a bit with my health issues and busy class schedule, but I want to get it on solid ground. Things to work on in this area will include finishing the graphic business plan, finishing the traditional business plan, getting our books into more local shops, launching a campaign to get the books in shops outside the Portland area, intentionally marketing the press, reaching out to find more manuscripts, booking readings for our authors, and publishing 3-5 books over the course of the year.
  2. Consciously love and care for myself: This will probably be on every list forever, because it’s the first thing I tend to let go when I need it most. During times of stress, I will not eat well or often enough, I will skimp on sleep to meet deadlines, and I will sacrifice personal time scheduled self-care to the demands of work or school. However, I recently realized that I’m gluten intolerant, and that plus my allergies and diabetes means I need to be mindful about my food. So things to work on include creating meal plans, making large batches of food to cover multiple meals during the week, finding recipes and snack ideas that I can use to keep fed at school, and so on.
  3. Continue learning and expanding my skill set: If I stay on track, I should be graduating by the end of the year. I need to apply to the study abroad program, apply for study abroad scholarships, meet with an academic advisor, pick a graduate degree program, apply to grad school, finish the four remaining classes for my undergrad degree, and apply to graduate. I also want to keep practicing graphic design, develop my art skills, achieve fluency in Spanish, etc. I’ll try to pick an area of focus each month and update on that.

So, those are my 2016 Resolutions! Possible tools to help me work on this: the 100 Days of Productivity challenge, the Unstuck app (which I have on my iPad and don’t use enough), Dave Seah’s amazing productivity tools, the Pause app, and the studyblr community on Tumblr.

Resolution Review posts should go up on 3 March, 4 April, 5 May, 6 June, 7 July, 8 August, 9 September, 10 October, 11 November, and 12 December, and will show up under the GHDR 2016 tag.

Last year was definitely an improvement over 2014, but I’m excited for what 2016 will bring. I feel more prepared, and I definitely feel like I have more support, so I’ll see how it goes!

Trees of Reverie Readathon: Dec15-Jan16, Challenge 1

Hi, hi!

I hope y’all are having a great new year. I’ve been keeping busy, trying to get ready for the start of the next term, getting my small press’s books into shops here in Portland, and trying to squeeze in time with friends before classes start. I’ve been writing, drawing, and reading, as well.

I’ve signed up for the December 2015/January 2016 Trees of Reverie Readathon, hoping to finish up some personal reading before I head into the term and only have time for school reading. (Which will be awesome reading, my classes are brilliant, I just also love my personal reading choices.) Unfortunately, my laptop died (on Christmas morning and everything!), so while I’ve been reading, I haven’t been able to participate in the blogging part of it — until now!

Bookish Challenge 1: TBR List & Reading Goals

TBR List

  • To continue:
    • Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow
      • This book is brilliant. It’s also really long. (GoodReads says the ebook is 832 pages, though my file shows 1315 pages, so my version may have shorter pages or something.) I have no hopes of finishing this during this readathon, because classes begin Monday, and it’s a very long read. I’m currently just over 1/4 of the way through, and I love it so far. I am interested in history, and this is the kind of book I want to write someday: a funny, interesting, conversational approach to history, that engages the reader and relates facts without bogging down the narrative with strings of dates and incidents just rattled off one after the other. The style is educational, but not entirely impartial. I very much appreciate Chernow’s willingness to question the morality of choices made by the people he writes about. He does not dance around the horror of slavery, nor does he avoid acknowledging that people we consider great owned slaves. While I am a little uncomfortable with his veneration for capitalism, and I am wary of his embrace of empire, overall I think this is a brilliant, well-written book, and I’ll probably come back to it when I begin to research and write history books in the future.
  • To start/finish:
    • Washington’s Spymaster: Memoir of Colonel Benjamin Tallmadge by Benjamin Tallmadge
      • I started this because I wanted to squeeze in something short at the end of the year, to boost my number for the 2015 GoodReads Reading Challenge. It ended up, however, being a lot harder to read than expected, because (to be frank) it’s kind of boring. While I love history, I prefer something more like Chernow’s style. This book is very dry, less a memoir than it is a listing of battles and actions of the US Revolutionary War, with special note of where Tallmadge was serving in relation to the main action. It also features very little mention of spying — it comes up for the first time 34% of the way through, and is not dwelt on at length.
    • Scars/Stars by Walidah Imarisha
      • I know Walidah; she teaches in the Black Studies department at my university, and I have had the pleasure of taking her History of the Black Panther Party course. She is a wonderful scholar and a brilliant poet. She co-edited Octavia’s Brood, and her story in that collection is funny and poignant. Recently, I was able to get a copy of her poetry book Scars/Stars, and I’m loving it, though it will definitely warrant a re-read. This one’s been slow going for me, as I read over each poem, annotate it, and digest it one by one.
    • Medicine River by Thomas King
      • This is actually overdue for a prior class — I never finished it during the term, and I feel a little guilty about that. I got about a third of the way through, but just couldn’t get it done then. I’ve since got about another third under my belt, and I’m hoping to power through the rest in the next week. It’s a funny read, but I’m struggling with it for some reason.
    • MARCH Book Two by John Lewis, Andrew Aydin, & Nate Powell
      • I happened to come across this at Powell’s Books recently, and snatched it up. I read the first volume a couple months back, and loved it, and I can’t wait to settle down with this and get into it. The previous one was well-written and beautifully illustrated, and I don’t doubt that this one will be as well.

Bookish Goals for 2016:

  • My GoodReads 2016 Reading Challenge goal is 60 books. That’s 10 more than last year’s goal, and double my 2014 goal. I think I can make it happen.
  • I would love to write up reviews of 10 books here on the blog, at least a couple hundred words per book. This is a soft goal, though, since I already have a lot on my plate this year, so it would be great to do it, and I’m not going to cry if I can’t get it done.
  • I’m in a ton of GoodReads groups who do group reads, and I haven’t actually participated in any of them, I think, so that’s another thing I’d like to do this year.

A Benediction for the End of 2015

I was recently invited to read at the second Grief Rites reading, for the Holiday Edition. As you may know, my father died on Thanksgiving when I was eight years old; I had originally planned to write a new poem about him to read there. But, as happens sometimes, it really wasn’t coming together. Instead, I read a selection of poems written around the holidays last year, and two new pieces written this holiday season. (You can read two of them online, one here and the other here.)

All of the poems I read explicitly address how I feel as a Black person living in America, a country — as I say in my poem “Colonize(d)” — “that would rather see me / shot in the face.” Of the poems I read, one memorializes the 16th St Baptist Church bombing, one memorializes the murder of Michael Brown, and the remaining three deal with the stress of protesting and racial justice work, and the pain of justice denied. They are heavy pieces, and I hesitated to read them.

Some readings, I leave the most radical or race-specific poems out if I am unsure of the crowd, because I have anxiety and chronic pain; baring my soul is hard enough without someone trying to argue with me, a depressingly common occurrence. This time, I read without censoring myself.

During the break, a white woman I’d never met came up to me. She began by telling me what I read really resonated with her, BUT… As it turns out, she was raised in Alabama, and the Alabama of my poem doesn’t exist any more. She insisted that everyone knew better now, that when she was growing up, no one would have done something so awful. She told me that her parents taught her that skin color doesn’t matter, that so long as a person was willing to work hard they would succeed. I pointed out the high rates of police violence against Black people, and she talked around that, reiterating that Alabama wasn’t like that any more, and then tried to say that as women, she and I face the same barriers in corporate America. I cited the racialized gender wage gap, and she said “Not in Dallas.”

She left to visit the bathroom, and then returned to assert that we shouldn’t focus on race, and that we just need to work hard; if we just work hard, we can succeed. She commended me on being strong, utterly missing the point of my poem, “Too Strong,” which is that having to bear up under the pressure of violence and discrimination is exhausting and demoralizing. When she finally went back to the bar, I hid in the bathroom for 10 minutes trying not to have a panic attack, and missed two of the other readers.

While this woman was doing her utmost to convince me I was wrong about the existence of racism, a wonderful friend of mine tried repeatedly to interrupt her, to get her to consider that I might not be open to this conversation, or that it might be painful to me. By the end of the night, I was so tense and overstimulated that I suffered severe migraine symptoms and passed out for 15 hours. When I woke up, I discovered that my contributor copies of Minerva Rising‘s latest issue, Sparrow’s Trill: Writers respond to the Charleston Shooting had arrived in the mail. Two of my poems are included in this special edition: “Placeholder for Home” and “My Black.”

Holding a copy in my hands, I feel so many feelings. This is the first time my poetry has been published outside my own press in half a dozen years, and it makes me feel validated. It reminds me that rejections are a part of the process, that my work can find a home. It reminds me that others are feeling what I’m feeling, struggling as I am struggling. It reminds me that even those who are not feeling what I am can empathize. It reminds me why I struggle. It reminds me why I sometimes feel burnt out.

When I finished work on After Ferguson, In Solidarity, one of our contributors asked me if we would do another anthology for Charleston. I said no; it took 9 months to get AFIS out, and I honestly needed a bit of a break. I started my press in order to put out AFIS, but I hadn’t reckoned with how hard it would be: soliciting submissions from folks, picking which pieces to include, chasing contributors down to get contracts signed, creating a coherent flow, getting the cover art done, fundraising, and more. I learned a lot, most of it the hard way, and I don’t regret it, but I’m also glad I didn’t try to do it again right away. Since I didn’t, I’m glad that Minerva Rising created this special issue, and I’m proud to be included in it.

I want to thank everyone who expressed to me at the Grief Rites reading that they appreciated my work. I hold onto that when I feel the urge to silence my voice, to be jaded and avoidant. The fatigue and frustration can be overwhelming, but that doesn’t mean my voice must be silenced; I have a community to hold me. I don’t have to do all the work myself.

So, for us all, I wish healing and comfort in the new year. I wish peace and joy and strength. I wish us loving community and found family. I wish us support in creative endeavors, and success in our work. I wish us a better world.

Happy holidays, everyone — I’ll see you on the other side!

Groundhog Day 2015 Resolutions: December Check-In & Year-In-Review

Wow! Here we are, at year’s end (well, nearly). I think I may try this again next year, because it’s been a good reminder to focus in on fewer things, and to think regularly about how I can work on what I want to get done. I sprung for the 2016 Passion Planner as well, for looking at larger, over-arching goals, on a 1-5 year timeline. Between those two things, I think I can really ramp it up by next summer. I’m feeling hopeful about my future right now. (Touch wood.)

Finals were a hot mess: I stayed up two nights in a row working on my final for Science Fiction and Fantasy Costumes in Film. It was my first time sewing an entire garment from scratch, and I learned a lot and got rather thoroughly frustrated and worked myself into a frenzy, and came out the other end with a decently passable Hogwarts student robe, which I wore to school. I also made a delicious mac and cheese for the potluck and presentations session of my bell hooks class. (No pictures; my mac and cheese doesn’t usually stick around long enough, if I don’t get a shot of it right out of the oven.)

The last 2015 Groundhog Day Resolution Review is below the cut:

Continue reading “Groundhog Day 2015 Resolutions: December Check-In & Year-In-Review”

Groundhog Day 2015 Resolutions: November Check-In

This post is so very late! This term has gone so fast, and as we head into finals (one more week) I’m trying not to get too frazzled. Thankfully my classes remain brilliant and engaging, my teachers continue to be a bunch of cool cats, and my study binder is still saving my butt in a pretty big way. (Bless the study binder, and whoever gave me the idea, because this thing is seriously the major reason I’m not failing right now. It’s magical.)

I’m finally moving forward on some things that I’d stalled on, and I’m really excited for everything happening between now and the next review. I can hardly wait to share it all with you!

(This month’s resolution review below the cut:)

Continue reading “Groundhog Day 2015 Resolutions: November Check-In”

Trees of Reverie Readathon: Bookish Challenge #13

Bookish Challenge 13: Book Playlist!

I love making playlists. In fact, it’s one of my favorite ways to procrastinate, which is what I’m doing right now. (I have two papers to finish for school, and a whole whack of reading to do, but I’m going to make a playlist, because… uh, yolo*, I guess. *cries salty tears into my teacup*)

This time, I’ve made a playlist for The Dragon Can’t Dance by Earl Lovelace, which is a brilliant novel I read for my Caribbean lit class this term. As I’ve previously mentioned, I prefer to make quite long playlists, that I can put on as background noise while doing other things; this playlist clocks in at 2 hours and 42 minutes long, which is actually a bit on the short side for me.

The cover of The Dragon Can't Dance, which reatures white text over a photo of a Black man dressed as a devil with red wings and body paint

Most of the songs are assigned by character, with a few songs being used to express their situation at a few different points in the book, and thereby sketch a kind of arc:

  • Songs 1, 19, and 34 are for Cleothilda
  • Songs 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 10, 17, 18, 35, and 40 are for Sylvia
  • Songs 5, 15, 21, 23, 24, 26, 31, 32, and 33 are for Aldrick
  • Songs 9, 22, 25, and 30 are for Fisheye and the Calvary Hill Nine
  • Song 27 is from Mr Guy to Sylvia
  • Song 16 is from Sylvia to Aldrick
  • Songs 8, 29, 38, and 39 are for Philo
  • Songs 11, 28, and 36 are for Pariag
  • Song 37 is from Dolly to Pariag
  • Songs 12, 13, 14, and 20 are for Carnival season

Here’s the list:

  1. We Are One by Angelique Kidjo
  2. Flora’s Secret by Enya
  3. No Scrubs by TLC
  4. Partition by Beyoncé
  5. Wanted Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi
  6. I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me) by Whitney Houston
  7. I Think I’m In Love With You by Jessica Simpson
  8. Billionaire/Successful by Ahmir
  9. Pistols at Dawn by Seinabo Sey
  10. Anaconda by Nicki Minaj
  11. Tu Koi Aur Hai by A.R. Rahman, Alma Ferovic, Arjun Chandy
  12. Cheers (Drink to That) by Rihanna
  13. All Night Long by Lionel Richie
  14. Pata Pata by Miriam Makeba
  15. Turn Me On by Kevin Lyttle
  16. (소녀시대) – Run Devil Run by Girl’s Generation
  17. Glamorous by Fergie, ft. Ludacris
  18. Flawless Remix by Beyoncé & Nicki Minaj
  19. Criminal by Fiona Apple
  20. Trini Dem Girls by Nicki Minaj, ft. Lunchmoney Lewis
  21. Ribcage by Mary Lambert, ft. Angel Haze & K.Flay
  22. Bad Blood by Bastille
  23. No Air by Rissi Palmer
  24. A La Claire Fontaine by Les Petits Minous
  25. This is War by Thirty Seconds to Mars
  26. Wicked Games by The Weeknd
  27. O.M.G. by Usher, ft. will.i.am
  28. Grand Piano by Nicki Minaj
  29. Wordplay by Jason Mraz
  30. Demons by Imagine Dragons
  31. Happy Ending by MIKA
  32. Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson
  33. Angry by Matchbox Twenty
  34. Younger by Seinabo Sey
  35. The Weakness in Me by Joan Armitrading
  36. Prem Ratan Dhan Payo by Palak Muchhal
  37. Love on Top by Beyoncé
  38. Mad Season by Matchbox Twenty
  39. Marilyn Monroe by Nicki Minaj
  40. Sight of the Sun by Fun.

You can listen to it on Spotify.

 

*yolo, in case you don’t know, stands for You Only Live Once, a mantra adopted by some millenials to express their desire to enjoy life and do things that make them happy, probably in response to how thoroughly screwed we feel as we collapse under the weight of our student loans, trying to live up to the demands of our predecessors in an unstable housing market, racialized unemployment disparities, and a racialized system of gendered wage disparity, where we’re shamed for not being able to be literally in two places at once: to go to school and spend 45 hours a week in class for a degree that we shouldn’t need for the low wage work we can find, while also magically working the 48 hours a week it would cost to pay tuition (which is to say literally nothing about rent, bills, and food), and if we want to sleep 8 hours a night (not something you can really sustainably skimp on) that leaves 8 hours per week for cooking and eating and commuting and literally everything else outside of school and work. What, bitter? not me…

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Trees of Reverie Readathon: Bookish Challenge #3

Existentialism

The wretched of the Earth are killing — rage — ending — racism
like Greek Tragedies
from a mouthful of forevers, Lucy asks ‘Ain’t I a woman?’

Black women and their
feminism: the bones, the breaking, the balm
scars / stars

she’s crossing the mangrove, seeking the will to change
says ‘men (masculinity) and love are fantasy;
the dragon can’t dance’

says ‘I’m all about love — new visions — the other side,
but where we stand, class matters’

 

photo of a large number of books spread out on a black velveteen cloak
16 books used in the creation of this time’s spine poem — click the photo to check out poems by other participants in the October 2015 Trees of Reverie Readathon.

The books:

  • Existentialism by Robert Solomon
  • The Wretched of the Earth by Frantz Fanon
  • Killing Rage: Ending Racism by bell hooks
  • Greek Tragedies by David Grene and Richmond Lattimore (eds.)
  • Mouthful of Forevers by Clementine von Radics
  • Lucy by Jamaica Kincaid
  • Ain’t I a Woman: Black Women and Feminism by bell hooks
  • The Bones, the Breaking, the Balm by Dominique Christina
  • Scars/Stars by Walidah Imarisha
  • Crossing the Mangrove by Maryse Condé
  • The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by bell hooks
  • Fantasy by Jacqueline Furby and Claire Hines
  • The Dragon Can’t Dance by Earl Lovelace
  • All About Love: New Visions by bell hooks
  • The Other Side by Julia Alvarez
  • Where We Stand: Class Matters by bell hooks

There’s an alternate view of the books on my Instagram, and you can listen to me reading the poem on Soundcloud.

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Groundhog Day 2015 Resolutions: October Check-In

I’m taking 16 credits this term, and the classes are all brilliant, but the workload’s a bit much already. Then, I spent several days helping a friend in crisis, and struggling to both make time to study and support my friend. On top of that, I got a cold last weekend! But I’m keeping on as best I can. I’m trying to stay up on my schoolwork, since I’m in Seattle for the Social Justice Fund dinner; I’m representing Black Lives Matter Portland, as we’re a recent grantee of the organization. Trying to take care of myself and manage my stress, which is the thing I seem to struggle the most with…

(This month’s Groundhog Day Resolution Review is below the cut.)

Continue reading “Groundhog Day 2015 Resolutions: October Check-In”

Groundhog Day 2015 Resolutions: September Check-In

This month’s post is way late, because I’m struggling a lot with getting back into the swing of daily life post-conference.

I just spent five and a half days in Oakland, CA, for the NOLOSE conference, and to see friends in the area. NOLOSE is a radical fat queer conference, and they had their first ever BIPOC Day (Black, Indigenous, and People of Color). Conferences can be hectic, and you can experience a lot of highs and lows in a short period of time, which I certainly did. I almost didn’t make it, bc of flight and housing costs, and then community pulled together to get me there, and it was so amazing.

But things are always a little hard after conferences — they’re a pretty magical place, but they are also often packed with stuff. I went down early to get settled in my homestay, and I stayed a couple days after so I could see folks I know in the area. I ended up meeting up with a friend at a birthday party, and being in a picture with Miss Major and a bunch of other awesome, radical queer and trans folks! And I had lunch with the ever amazing Lisa Hsia, who drew the picture we chose for the cover of After Ferguson, In Solidarity, and I got to see my friend Drew, and it was all lovely and wonderful.

I’m still trying to get back in the swing of things, and prepping for the start of a new term in a week. Wish me luck!

(This month’s Groundhog Day Resolution Review is below the cut.)

Continue reading “Groundhog Day 2015 Resolutions: September Check-In”

Judaism and Zionism: Not Inseparable

Here’s the post I mentioned in my GHD Review Post for this month (August 2015). It’s a long one, about something very personal to me.

A few months ago, I came across this insightful post: A Letter to My Rabbi about Palestine. I left this comment:

Thank you for writing this much-needed letter! As a young(er) Jewish activist (I protested the Iraq Invasion by the US when I was in high school), I struggled with what to feel about Israel. I didn’t know as much about the history as I do now, and I only heard the Israel-supporting US news. I did not speak out, because I didn’t know what to say, or even that the situation was as bad as it was/is.

As I have grown older, learned more, and solidified my own politics and morals, I have moved to speaking out. As a Black-white biracial Jew, the idea of a homeland that is always open to me is such a tempting one, but I know that the modern Israeli state can never be that homeland to me. I have considered Birthright trips in the past, but I cannot–even tacitly–condone the Israeli state, nor support it with my money (beyond, unfortunately, the aid that my tax dollars go to).

This stance is not a popular one in Jewish communities. We have been taught to conflate our Judaism with Zionism, as you stated, and the anti-Jewish rhetoric and violence that is on the rise globally leaves us fearful of another Shoah. That violence is real, and the fear may be justified, but that is no excuse for abandoning our morals and our duty to humanity. A Palestinian life is precious, worth as much as any other life! (Destroy a life, and you destroy the world.)

Thank you for writing this letter, and sharing it. We must be willing to hold ourselves and each other to this high standard, to acknowledge the wrongs of Zionism, and move towards peace, and a better way.

My own journey on this topic has been a difficult one. As mentioned in another post on the same blog, Hebrew schools and Jewish youth programs foster pride for Israel in the children who attend them; I was not immune to this. But until very recently, all of the Jews I knew were liberal, middle class white people, and for all that we have religion in common, we come from very different places.

The promise of Israel meant a lot to me as a teen. I thought about going on a birthright trip, even looked into queer & trans specific ones, but I never really got things together to go — I struggled with juggling 1-2 jobs and a full-time course load right out of high school, then withdrew from school for a time to work. Scrambling to survive, the desire to stay housed and get enough food was my priority, and left little time for something like travel.

Then, I began to learn more about the history of Israel and the present state of occupation, and I struggled with myself. I explored the idea of a “two-state solution”, looked for any way to validate the Israeli state; very quickly it became obvious to me that there was no justification for the continued existence of such a wholly immoral nation. Through exploring the work of anti-Zionist Jews, I realized that this was a truth I needed to speak on. So I did.

On August 4th, my latest piece went up on Black Girl Dangerous. On the phone with my mother a few weeks ago, I sarcastically referred to this BGD piece as the one that would make me super popular in any Jewish community; I feared the opposite, of course. But for the first 48 hours or so, I received only positive feedback — a lot of folks have been contacting me to let me know that this piece resonated with them — and while that is nice to hear, I was waiting for the backlash. The longer it went without any negative comments, the more anxious I became.

And then Thursday, it hit. A progressive Jewish group shared my piece on their page Wednesday afternoon, and it was like a feeding frenzy. Abusive trolls showed up in their comments to accuse me of being a terrorist sympathizer, to ridicule my appearance, to question my identity as a Jew, to mock my intelligence. Eventually, they spilled over onto my Facebook page, commenting on the most recent posts and sending hateful messages to the inbox. Two separate commenters likened me to kapos. Overnight, a wave of hate flooded my page. I spent 3 hours banning and blocking, going from a single banned individual Wednesday night to 63 banned individuals by noon Thursday.

At first, each comment and message hurt. Though I knew that it might happen, I still wasn’t prepared for it. But as I read through roughly 140 comments, I stopped caring about the opinions of the commenters. Anyone whose only argument for my being incorrect was that I am ugly doesn’t mean anything to me. Still, the tension and anxiety started to activate my chronic pain, and after 3 hours, I was exhausted.

I’m pretty sure many of the critics never even read the piece, but merely reacted to the title: “I’m Jewish But I Don’t Support Israel — And Neither Should Any Jew Dedicated To Social Justice”. It’s not the title I submitted the piece under (I’m not very good at titles, in general), but I wrote it nonetheless; that’s most of the first line from the second paragraph. Much of that line is fact — I am Jewish, and I don’t support the Israeli state — but some of it is opinion, my opinion.

This opinion is so widely reviled by members of my own religion that I expected this to happen, tried to prepare for it. My previous pieces, despite the vitriol that some USians fling at Black Lives Matter, didn’t receive this much hate. In fact, I’m not sure I saw any. But I started the piece with this line for a reason: “If there’s a faster way to be reviled in the United States media than denouncing Israel, I’m not sure I know it.” Now, it’s mainly been visible to me on Facebook (and I admit I haven’t gone looking for it anywhere else), but even this reaction is vastly disproportionate.

In the piece, I make a distinction between Judaism — a curious mix of culture, religion, and ethnicity dating back millennia — and Zionism, which is a nationalistic movement to establish a Jewish homeland that began around 1897. I am Jewish, but I am not a Zionist. Yet, many of those spewing hate my way claim the two are inseparable. My anti-colonial values invalidate my Judaism to them.

I spent several days last week being afraid. I worried that I’d be doxed, that someone would vandalize my home (or worse). Anxiety is not rational, but I can’t actually assess the validity of that fear, because this kind of internet bullying does escalate to real life. I’m no Anita Sarkeesian, nor am I even Caroline Criado-Perez, but I’ve received violent threats and harassment before, and while this instance is smaller in scale than what Sarkeesian and Criado-Perez faced, it’s no less vile.

But in the end, despite my fear, I’m still here; being simultaneously Jewish and not a Zionist, because the two terms are not synonyms for each other. I’m here, and I’m not shutting up.

(Not even for the dude who messaged me only this: “Shut up tessara… Seriously. Thanks“)

Trees of Reverie July 2015 Readathon: Follow-up

I participated in the July 2015 Trees of Reverie Read-a-thon. This post is a collection of reviews I wrote about books completed during the readathon. These reviews were originally shared on Goodreads, which was one of my goals for the readathon, and are quite short.

Books finished:

  1. The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion (FINISHED; net change: 115 pages)
  2. Supernatural: John Winchester’s Journal by Alex Irvine (FINISHED; net change: 59 pages)
  3. The Enchanted by Rene Denfeld (FINISHED; net change: 121 pages)
  4. Lady of the Moon by Amy Lowell, Mary Meriam, and Lillian Faderman (FINISHED; net change: 98 pages)
  5. A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis (FINISHED; net change: 76 pages)

Reviews:

1. The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion

This book was… interesting. I blazed through it in four days. As a memoir of grieving, it invoked memories of my own grieving process and connected with me emotionally, but the author and I have very different life experiences, and this was almost enough to pull me out of the experience. Didion moves in wealthy, well-connected television and literary circles, and while I’d love some day to be as published and celebrated and connected as she is, that experience is currently very remote to me.

When mentioning her famous friends, she cites the fact they are famous, which is very distancing, and feels a bit like name-dropping. Other reviewers here are quick to remind us that this is a hallmark of her style, this coolness and emotional distance, but I think the critique is still valid: for a memoir about grief, such distance seems a little bewildering. However, it is still well-written and emotionally stirring, even if my own grief memoir would (will) look nothing like it.

2. Supernatural: John Winchester’s Journal by Alex Irvine

I blazed through a good chunk of this last year and then put it down for several months. The last 1/4 or so seemed to lag a bit — not sure precisely how it was different than the start, but my interest waned.

This book is absolutely only for Supernatural fans — it fills in a bit of backstory, as well as giving a greater sense of John, who we know comparatively little about. Written as a journal, it includes a mix of personal musings, notes about anniversaries and birthdays, and the kind of esoterica you’d expect to find in a hunter’s notebook. I gave it four stars because it lost me for a bit, but it’s still an interesting and enjoyable read.

3. The Enchanted by Rene Denfeld

This book was hard, but also amazing. The narrator’s unique voice obscures and reveals, and the revelations are perfectly timed and wondrous. Though the reader does not learn the precise nature of the narrator’s crime, it doesn’t truly matter, in the end. Masterfully crafted, and well-worth the read.

4. Lady of the Moon by Amy Lowell, Mary Meriam, and Lillian Faderman

The construction of this book is interesting, featuring a selection of Lowell’s poems, followed by a critical essay examining the Sapphic imagery of her work in the context of her relationship with Ada Russell, and ending with a sequence of poems that reimagine the courtship and relationship between Lowell and Russell.

Of this, I very much enjoyed the essay, and the context it gave allowed me to better appreciate Lowell’s poetry. By comparison, the poems at the end, the work of Mary Meriam, seem a bit childish. Lowell’s work involves lush description, vivid detail, and sly eroticism. Meriam’s work, particularly the sonnets that begin the sequence, is flat. The rhyming in the sonnets is a trifle unimaginative, and the diction is oddly inconsistent; overall, Meriam’s work is a bit of a let-down, when compared to the clever writing of Lillian Faderman’s essay and Lowell’s own vibrant poetry.

5. A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis

I’ve been meaning to read this one for a while, and it was referenced in The Year of Magical Thinking, so I decided to finally dust it off and read it.

This book is very intense. The introduction by Lewis’s stepson gives further insight to the creation of the book, but even without this context, the reader is drawn in. Lewis’s grief is raw and near, and it makes even this dedicated apologist question everything he knows and feels. He grappled with feelings of guilt and sorrow and anger in personal journals following his wife’s death. Later, upon reading them again, he decided to publish them, in the hopes they might help others facing loss heal a little more.

Here, Lewis is not the eloquent and impassioned writer of Christian apologetics, but merely a man of deep faith struggling to get through the loss of the woman he loved. He looked unflinchingly at his own crisis of faith and then shared it with the world, an act of courage. He survived, got himself through one of the hardest times in any person’s life; this book might help anyone else do the same.

To see all Read-a-thon posts, go here.

Trees of Reverie July 2015 Readathon: Final Update

(All times are Brisbane local time)

I participated in the July 2015 Trees of Reverie Read-a-thon. This is my final update post.

Readathon update:

I miscalculated, out of exhaustion, and didn’t realize that I wouldn’t wake up until just before the readathon’s end. That means that these numbers are the same as the Day 9 update post. And now it’s done!

Thanks for following my updates and folks who encouraged me. It was good to “meet” the other readathon participants, and I’m following some of y’all. Take care until next time!

 

  1. The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion (FINISHED; current page: 227 of 227; net change: 115 pages)
  2. Supernatural: John Winchester’s Journal by Alex Irvine (FINISHED; current page: 217 of 217; net change: 59 pages)
  3. The Jewish Study Bible by Adele Berlin and Marc Zvi Brettler (Eds.) (Current page: 343 of 2181; net change: 9 pages) Note: not originally listed, not technically being read for the challenge, but the challenge dates encompass two weeks of parshot (readings), and so those will be included in my page count.
  4. The Enchanted by Rene Denfeld (FINISHED; current page: 233 of 233; net change: 121 pages)
  5. Lady of the Moon by Amy Lowell, Mary Meriam, and Lillian Faderman (FINISHED; current page: 98 of 98; net change: 98 pages)
  6. A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis (FINISHED; current page: 76 of 76; net change: 76 pages)
  7. Amok: An Anthology of Asia-Pacific Speculative Fiction by Dominica Malcolm [Ed.] (Current page: 55 of 252; net change: 35 pages)
  8. Octavia’s Brood by Adrienne Maree Brown and Walidah Imarisha [Eds.] (Current page: 152 of 296; net change: 152 pages)

Net change for all books read: 665 pages
Books finished: 5

To see all Read-a-thon posts, go here.